For you in my respect are all the world

    Tonight is the first night of the week I have some time to linger, like a star slightly astray from the universe. Mum is in the hospital, and Dad is almost there the whole day, I visit whenever I can during lunch and every night after work. Dad told me the doctor told Mum she had a good husband and she cried. I told Dad that when I realised how much pain Mum was in, and asked her, she cried. She is so brave, so strong, so beautiful. She is the point from which we gravitate.

 

Source: Unknown

 

"It is not night when I do see your face, 

Therefore I think I am not in the night; 

Nor doth this wood lacks worlds of company; 

For you in my respect are all the world: 

Then how can it be said I am alone, 

When all the world is here to look on me?"  

                      - A Midsummer Night's Dream  

 

but not somewhere in between

I bought the book despite the cover.

     Even two months after I've read Audition, I cannot decide if I like or dislike it. It's so cleverly written, but it feels so hollow. I finished it in a night - and in the darkness, I kept thinking, "so what?" In truth, I bought the book because I came across a breath-taking quote from it. I still love the quote, but it is an unfinished promise. A disappointing titillation. It is that striking person that walks into the room for an audition - who seems perfect, really, if he didn't look at you with the eyes of someone who couldn't even understand himself.

  "So, what do you think?" he asked, but not in the spirit of actually soliciting her opinion. It was more of an attempt to confirm what he already knew: She's really something, isn't she? You just don't find young women like her any more. You see that, don't you?

  "Strange girl," Kai said, exhaling smoke.

  "Strange?"

  "I've never met a girl quite like that before."

  "Well, it's a whole new generation, Kai." 

  "That's true, but some things never change. What's most important to a person, that's the question. Always has been and always will be. When I meet someone, I can usually tell within a minute or two what it is they value most. The young people nowadays - men and women, amateurs and pros - generally fall into one of two categories: either they don't know what it is that's most important to them, or they know but don't have the power to go after it. But this girl's different. She knows what's most important to her and she knows how to get it, but she doesn't let on what it is. I'm pretty sure it's not money or success, or a normal happy life, or a strong man, or some weird religion, but that's about all I can tell you. She's like smoke: you think you're seeing her clearly enough, but when you reach for her there's nothing there. That's a sort of strength, I suppose. But it makes her hard to figure out." 

  "She's nice though, right?" Aoyama said. 

  Kai seemed taken aback by this. She shook her head and stubbed out her cigarette. 

  "Is that really what you think?" she said. 

  A simple question, but it rocked him. He knew perfectly well that Yamasaki Asami wasn't simply a nice girl, and yet that was how he'd chosen to think of her. Kai had put her finger on this bald self-deception, and he had the odd sensation of wanting to be surprised but not being able to. 

   "Anyway," he said, "I'm sure she's not a bad person. I'm pretty serious about her." 

   Kai frowned and shook her head again. 

  "Nice person, bad person - that's not the level this girl is at. I can see you're crazy about her and probably won't be able to hear this, Ao-chan, but I think you'd be better of staying away from someone like her. I can't read her exactly, but I can tell you she's either a saint or a monster. Maybe both extremes at once, but not somewhere in between." 

你曾是

  
    With the advent of technology and file-sharing, the existence of a television seems almost obsolete. However, quite lovingly, my parents have a fixed television schedule - almost like a habit to keep one safe. Thursday night is their favourite taiwanese singing competition. They were disappointed because it was a filler episode - a flashback to the popular singers from the previous seasons.

  This video caught my ears. I thought it was the most beautiful rendition I've ever heard of this song, 恋上另一个人。

   When she sings the three words, 你曾是 (you once was), my heart skips and is never quite able to catch up again.

   It reminds me of what S and I once talked about - what is it about that feeling of not being able to see the one you love? It is like swimming in a pool. And seeing him is to finally come up for air.

Maguroya

Stall 79, Lau Pa Sat
18 Raffles Quay
Opening Hours: 10.45 am to 2.30 pm, 5 to 8.30 pm (Mon-Sat)
Ranges from $8 to $22
Japanese
Well-priced sashimi sets & extremely yummy fish broth


  The most common question I get these days is "how is married life" and I usually give one of the three answers: (i) good, (ii) it's the same and (iii) we haven't moved into our home yet, so there isn't much of a change. As is much of life, it is far too complicated to be answered simply in five minutes during the lift or even during a span of a meal. When I was younger, I was often befuddled by these questions and struggled to answer - only because I wanted so sincerely to really express how I felt, but was let down by my own ability to express it.

  ZM and I make a much stronger effort to eat with each other every day than we did before. Before we were married, it would not be inaccurate to label us as a "weekend couple". Still, after marriage, you feel a sense of responsibility for the welfare of your other half and an almost sweet relief whenever you meet him, as if your brain is happy and goes ah, there you are, with all your limbs intact. Truly taking your bond as one flesh very seriously.

   On a whole, ZM doesn't enjoy seafood (gasp! travesty!) and was generally averse to raw fish. So, I'm always touched when he finds seafood and japanese places for us to eat at. I actually think he is starting to enjoy it in itself.

   The menu is a joy to read:

   Apparently, this stall was set up by quite a famous sashimi provider to restaurants - hence you get the same quality without the middle-men upping the cost. At this price, it's hard to find any other place that could beat this quality.

   My favourite, by far, was the fish broth. Sadly, one cannot get free re-fills (which sounds stingy to me). Also, the squiggly writings on the board "served with... LOVE" makes me laugh, because the stall is manned by two very stoic men who correct your japanese pronunciation robotically.

  After I finished my small serving of fish broth, ZM passed me his. I gave it back to him. We sickeningly pushed the soup to each other a few times, and then both drank it together. Perhaps for some couples, the answer is to buy more soup. But, I love sharing the little of what we have together.

  Be it, soup, raw fish or time. 

V

Surprise!

   I scheduled the post to be published when I'm in Bangkok. Although we have already celebrated and exchanged gifts, I thought I would leave you a note here since you self-proclaimed you read this once a day.

  Dad told me that one of the heart-felt things he had learnt from marriage was that one should never win an argument at the cost of the relationship. It seems like a natural truth but perhaps it is a truth difficult in execution. Still, you have always done it. You have always let me win. Especially when I'm unreasonable, especially when I'm ridiculous. You never take it to heart, never take it personally, you see me, in all my fullness, and embrace it.

   You see all my mistakes as beautiful.

   I want you to know that every day I try to be a better wife. I want to make you so very happy.

  Even now, I don't believe in the One. But, if I can only have one valentine, it will surely be you.

Red Red Rose

   After the first three days of chinese new year, it always feels like the red dust has started to settle and people have started to move on to some semblance of normalcy - where people only eat three meals a day and people don't wish you good fortune by default. But, in between, it was a lovely red lantern dream of hongbao waltzing and food served, always a course too many.

  And, then the dream awakes, and we all end up queueing at the bank.

  There is something very primitive about chinese new year visiting with relatives (defined as a person connected by blood or affinity). When you only see the person once a year, for many years, since you were born in fact - slowly we are all filtered into our most essential characteristics - male/female, age, studying/working, single/dating/married, children, house/no house, fat/slim, successful/failure.

    And, I actually like it.

   I like it in the way that we grow to like traditions. We inherit them before we had a choice. We grow accustomed to them, such that even when we start to think consciously about them, they have become so much part of the way we live, that it's like disliking your fourth toe on your right foot. Yes, it's not very attractive, but it has always been there, faithfully.

  Becoming annoyed by you, dear respected auntie who likes to criticise everything as if they were matter of facts, or you, dear respected auntie who must compete in everything, is a gift. It comes with the territory of being married, of being family, and I'm grateful for it.

  I'm grateful for being accepted, infuriated, annoyed, loved. Because, at the end of it all, it's all relative. And, when the relative is nothing, all of you, are pluses.

bluer and duller than grotto

Definition of CERULEAN BLUE

1

a : a variable color averaging a strong greenish blue that is bluer and duller than grotto or cobalt blue and bluer and lighter than indigo carmine

b : a strong blue that is greener and stronger than Sèvres and greener, lighter, and stronger than Victoria blue —called also coelin

2

: a stable light greenish blue pigment consisting essentially of oxides of cobalt and tin and used as an artist's color

They say cerulean is the blue of the sky. To be lighter and stronger at the same time. To be a different colour depending on the light. 

The Naked Finn

The Naked Finn
41 Malan Road
Gilman Barracks
For reservations: 66940807 (call only after 4 pm)
Dinner: $90-100 per pax (including wine)
Seafood
Simply perfect
1* Razor Clams

     I asked for a real date, where he will take me to somewhere nice, and we will both dress up like we need to impress each other. But life is a funny creature - every time you go out of your way and plan something, it seeks to surprise you. We both ran overtime on a Friday Night, which is rare for both of us, and only met at 8 pm, due to certain technical difficulties. We were emotionally ragged out by the time we met. He was especially tired, and angsty, which is extremely rare for him. So, I swallowed my own tiredness, which is rare for me, and sought to lighten his mood as we set off for our very long journey to a place unknown to me.

  The weather was lovely. The air was light. We sat outside. Feeling like we were amidst in nowhere. We ordered the Estella set for two ($128) and they served up this delicious white bee hoon dashed with lime and I knew it was going to be magic. We talked, and laughed, and prodded and joked, and had conversations as if we weren't married, and yet the softness, the understanding, that we were.

   After the meal ended, there was a moment, while walking under the orange lit street, where I thought how nice to be walking like this. And, I knew I had felt this way before, and, even better, I knew I would feel this way again. You took out your phone and opened an application. You held it above our heads, towards the sky, look, you can see the constellations above us. So, there we were, in our nice clothes, in the middle of the street, chin up, facing your tiny screen mapping out the connections for us. How far we have come, and how far more we must go.

   You told me this morning you were thinking of the razor clams. I asked if you wanted to go back again. You said we should go somewhere else. Indeed. We can't ever go back again. It will never be as good.