to have an ordinary life

                                                     By Kelvin Koh (Lightedpixels) 

   I really miss writing. I have so much to write (about the Europe trip, finishing the Z&C series and wanting to write a series about my parents) but there is really very little time in my life. I come home around midnight every day from the hospital and some days are worser than the rest. Today was bad for instance. But, perhaps, it was the badness in the end, that finally pushed me to write. To try to make the day that much better, to be my own comfort food. 

   People have been asking me, "How was your trip?" And, deep inside, I find it very hard to answer. I give a genuine smile and say it was great. It was great... but perhaps the closest I can come to describe it is to call it complicated bliss. As terribly girly as this sounds, ever since ZM and I left Holland 5 years ago, I started dreaming of returning to revisit our past and to take wedding photos. My dream wedding would be the two of us in the dom church, saying our own personal vows and lighting a candle. Voila - married! So we actually planned to take wedding photographs in Holland two years ago from this date. 

   Mum fell sick, and I got engaged a month later. ZM and I married two months later. The bigger part of my dream was to bring my whole family with me to Holland to be part of my wedding photographs. I saved, planned and booked. It did not happen. It could not happen. This is the heartbreaking part. The part that hurts. The part where try as hard as I can, wanting is not enough. 

   The truth is all I want to be is normal. To have an ordinary life.  Love, I'm afraid, is not ordinary. I can only dream of the day that my family sits around a table and eat dinner together again. Something so simple, so out of reach. 

   But, all I have are my dreams. I am the girl that dreams, as good, as large, as it hurts.