grieving

       I remember a story very well. It was about a surgeon who did a heart operation, I cannot remember if it succeeded or not. I think it did not. And, he went home that night, his wife already asleep - and placed his ear on her chest, and just listened.

     One of my favourite things to do was to wake up every morning and go to my parent's room. Sometimes, my mum will already be awake and I would kiss her good morning. If she wasn't, I would watch, silently, to see her chest rise and fall. Then, I would quietly say I love you and leave.

   During the night shifts at the hospital, I would also watch quietly as she slept. Just to make sure she was still breathing.

    In my worser moments, that is all I can think of - there are no more breaths. In my better moments, I think (and know) she is at peace, free from all suffering and pain. That is what grieving is like for me. My worser and better moments always fighting inside of me.

    Not being able to know which it will be today. And, perhaps, sensing, it will always be like this.

Two drifters off to see the world/ There's such a lot of world to see

      I've been trying to brace myself for the worse (and know now, keenly, that I will never be prepared). But still, nothing prepares you for the moment in which your mother no longer recognises you. The doctors call it cognitive impairment, but in my heart, it was losing her before you lose her.

    Our lives, before, were already concentrated to her care. But, now, we dropped every thing and figured out how to be with her 24/7. We had day shifts and night shifts, and a period where all of us will be together in the day. It was like passing on a baton, at times, but you don't drop the baton. No, you don't.

    One night, to soothe her restless fidgeting, I started humming a song. Moon River. Why. I don't know why. I didn't even know the words. I could only sing "Moon River" and then hum what I remembered. Suddenly, I burst into tears. Her eyes opened. I couldn't see clarity in her eyes, but she looked so sad. She looked at me, and I thought she could see me. She lifted her hand and patted my shoulder gingerly a few times. In the madness, this was my one second of sanity. My beautiful something out of nothing. My one line to the shore.

     This morning, Mum woke up.

    And, I thought, let's stay like this. When night is my day, and the sun is the smile on your face when you see the flowers Dad took picture of for you.

Moon river wider than a mile 

I'm crossing you in style someday 

You dream maker, you heartbreaker 

Wherever you're going I'm going your way 

Two drifters off to see the world 

There's such a lot of world to see 

We're after the same rainbow's end 

Waiting 'round the bend 

My huckleberry friend, moon river and me 

(Moon river, wider than a mile) 

(I'm crossin' you in style some day) 

Oh dream maker, you heart breaker 

Wherever you're going, I'm going your way 

Two drifters off to see the world 

There's such a lot of world to see 

We're after the same rainbow's end, 

Waiting 'round the bend 

My huckleberry friend, moon river, and me 

(Moon river, moon river)