Bare

     It's been a month since we've gotten married. From the sheepishness at the start, to the way we still laugh when we have to call each other "husband" or "wife" like a faint echo of a foreign country, we have reached a stage of grounded sweetness.

    I actually miss him. When so much of my fear before, was that I may lose my sense of self, unable to separate what is mine and what is his, as we both become part of each other. So, this sense of loss, is surprising - is almost painful. That's what marriage does to you. I turn around, and you are not there.

   Even as I look forward to the events ahead, how fast time flows makes me nervous. I fear again that I'm not ready. But perhaps, one is never ready - one just hopes life will be kind, will remember the times you promised to love it even when it got hard, will remember the times you promised to be grateful when it was generous, will remember that even when it felt like there was no strength left to go on, we did. We believed in you.

A kid in a Xmas shop

   This year, my family decided to have a live christmas tree for Xmas. My mother started pouring through the newspaper looking for advertisements for fresh christmas trees and it was decided that we would try out Ikea. The christmas trees from Scandinavia only arrived 2 days ago! On hindsight, some thought should have been put into how long christmas trees last after they have been cut, but we were all so excited and exuberant we brought the christmas tree home before we started thinking, "Does the christmas tree need water?"

  Honestly, it was wonderful doing christmas shopping at Ikea. As I grew older, I increased my skepticism generally on the quality of Ikea goods, but still it cannot be denied that it has a wide range of lovely things for its price range. One cannot expect the sky when one is only paying for a cloud.

 I haven't had the kid in a candy shop feeling for a long time. Perhaps, after earning money and being relatively more self sufficient, there is not a whole range of things that one cannot afford if one puts one mind to it. But the beauty of being a kid in a candy shop is being overcome by a sense of wonder - that there are rows and rows of beautiful things, and even if you can afford it, you can only pick your favourite few because that is all you need. But, oh the choices!

  I had so much fun. I giggled to myself incessantly as I changed my mind again and again over which christmas decorations to get. Mum and I also giggled over the beautiful but unnecessary (in Dad's mind) things we were going to get for the christmas party.

  Perhaps, this is a small piece of bite-sized happiness. Just small enough to savour in the mouth, to enjoy that too sweet wonder, to be satisfied that as large and complicated life can be, happiness can still be an apple to bite on.

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.

    I was walking home on tuesday and thought the sky was beautiful. Falling asleep in its own quiet way. Reminding me that the world does not owe us a thing, but simply does its job each day - spinning in its own orbit, giving us the beauty which we must learn to see.

Wild Geese

You do not have to be good.

You do not have to walk on your knees

for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.

You only have to let the soft animal of your body

     love what it loves.

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.

Meanwhile the world goes on.

Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain

are moving across the landscapes,

over the prairies and the deep trees,

the mountains and the rivers.

Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,

are heading home again.

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,

the world offers itself to your imagination,

calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting—

over and over announcing your place

in the family of things.

—Mary Oliver

Fair Weather Friends

   I saw this sign when I walked home today. It was placed on the fence of a school near my house. At first, I thought it was so wonderfully tongue-in-cheek. And then, I realised that oh no, this tongue was firmly in command. And, I laughed. And laughed. And laughed.

  

The worthwhile things are difficult

    My parents kept some of the wedding flowers. They re-arranged the flowers and gave them more water. And, they grew more beautiful each day. I watched as each flower kept its whole while the petals slowly curled up and faded. The days grew by, and I couldn't see time, but I could see these flowers. 

“There's no such thing as effortless beauty - you should know that. 

There's no effort which is not beautiful - lifting a heavy stone or loving you.

Loving you is like lifting a heavy stone. It would be easier not to do it and I'm not quite sure why I am doing it. It takes all my strength and all my determination, and I said I wouldn't love someone again like this. Is there any sense in loving someone you can only wake up to by chance?” 

― Jeanette Winterson, The PowerBook

   Cr shared with me about her wonders of is it worth it? - how sometimes people cannot see the good you want to give them, of the pains of being misconstrued. I told her, the worthwhile things are difficult. The things that mean the most to us, saves us and destroys us, makes us the happiest and saddest persons on earth. At the very least, they should be able to do that much. And then, we laughed about how as you grow older you realise it's not about planning how to deal with life. If you plan life, you take away much of its beauty. The key is to be prepared. And when it comes, to let go.  

My lizardy friend

“If I can't stay where I am, and I can't, then I will put all that I can into the going.” 

― Jeanette Winterson

 And so, she left. With a tight hug for each of us, a pair of red eyes, and a heart so big - she needs more than one continent to hold.

As hard as it always is to say a goodbye (for now), I like to think that when one forages out in the world, one becomes a deeper shade of themselves. So much more to love and share when one returns.

Together, my friends, we will do great things. Very great things.

A softer side

    One thing I am always conscious of when I return to work is that every one of us have our own internal life. It's quite easy to become unaware of it when all of us are being cog and wheels of the daily grind, but I try to hold on to that knowledge for as long as I can before even I, become numbed, by the drill.

   All of us have our softer sides, we are someone's children, loved one, maybe sibling, or even parent. All of us are special to someone in this world. We are human first, and whatever else we do, second.

   Everyone I meet I am truly sincere, regardless of designation, for all of us are human and equally deserving of respect.

   I think sometimes people chase qualities, aspects, and forget what's truly fundamental. That just as what we are determines what we do, what we do reflects what we are.

   Another thing I am more conscious of is Time, now that it feels like I have so little of it. ZM sees time as a pie - and whenever I have another demand, there goes his ever decreasing piece. But, I see time more as a river - and that it flows, and it sometimes flows faster, and sometimes flows slower - but at every moment, I'm swimming towards what I want with all the energy I can muster. But, I suppose ZM is right, that I am only human, I cannot always swim at the same speed at the same rate and continue without rest. I can only hope that with time, I can bake bigger pies. But, till then, my loved ones may go hungry. So now, I always turn to him, and say, then let's cut this pie together. Sometimes I'll feed you more, and you will get fat, and then I'll go off and feed others while you exercise.

   Last Saturday, I ate a slice of this pie myself. Just a small sliver at Kinokuniya. I had a specific mission, a specific children book. But I got lost as usual in all the wonders. I am ashamed to admit that several soft toys in christmas garbs caught my eye and in a moment of true weakness, I messaged ZM if he would buy me one (because at this age, such things should come as gifts, no?).

And, he did.

In the spirit of joy

                                                From the tea ceremony at my house

When faced with two equal desires, I often in the end choose the path of duty. But, what happens when duties multiply? I think the biggest difference after being married is suddenly realising you are part of two households. You don't only create a life with someone else, you inherit a whole other world - full of history, blessings, possibilities and responsibilities.

It's not easy, especially when you have so many ideas of what it should be. But, ZM and I talked about it, and he said he will remember one thing I said which was, "We shouldn't think about how others are like. This is our relationship, and we can only make it the best we can be. Be the best that we are." And, I think that gives us space and courage to figure out what we would like our marriage to be, because it is something that is alive, and always changing.

I like this line about marriage I came across, "It is doing things for each other, not in the attitude of duty or sacrifice, but in the spirit of joy." It's why I always loved the chinese word, 囍 － not only does it represent double happiness, the structure of it is firm and solid, like two people holding hands.

Always holding hands, because if this is how we started, this is how we always should be.

Like a dog in outer space

I received a postcard unexpectedly today. Traditional mail is perhaps one of the few real romantic things left in the world. My parents once told me that they would use steam to heat the stamps off their letters so they could re-use them again and again. How precious!

I find the idea of a Museum of Innocence intriguing, as if it contains something that is already lost. I had a debate about purity today - is purity remaining untainted by letting everything wash over one's self without thought or by actively, literally, purifying yourself, to remain/become clean? A kind of distillation so to speak? But, perhaps, pure is indeed to be without filter. To be pure undiluted goodness.

I am amazed at the seeker of purity
who when it's time to be polished
complains of rough handling.

- Rumi

Watch.

I have been thinking about writing again. There's always the fear of starting again, because you wonder how long will this blog last. But is it such a failure to only be capturing snippets of each phase in life, and then starting again when the old space no longer feels entirely appropriate? Or, is it only because this nomadic blogging is so convenient - imagine if we could start afresh with a new skin every time we wanted. Tabula Rasa.

But I like to think it's always better to start, even if you stop. For if you do not start at all, you already know the answer of how long this will last.

In Maldives, I told ZM I was going to start a blog to write about our marriage and asked him to name it. He paused then said, "Of wind and fishes". I laughed, "Of wind and fishes?" He nodded, "It suits Maldives". I decided I like the name - it really is very generic and ordinary and one is hard pressed to find poetic meaning in it, but maybe that's why I like it. It's simple and without pretensions (or at least I hope it does not sound pretentiously windy nor fishy).

Today, I read an article that the median age for females getting married in Singapore in 2011 is 27.8. So, to be entirely accurate, I got married when I was 24.8. I don't feel particularly young though since I have peers who married younger. Dad kept asking me how does it feel to be married, and he says married with such deep undertones, it feels like one must have been a successful Alice escaping from Wonderland.

Perhaps, the "married" feeling has not kicked in yet or it is something one grows into. Part of it must be the unconventional living arrangements ZM and I have before our house arrives, but I think a larger part of it is that marriage is such a heavy social construct laden with tons of cultural and social expectations. Marriage changes how people see us, but I like to think that how we see each other has not changed. Marriage only gives legal force to my statement that "what is yours is mine" and have ZM bemoaning that he has married someone legally trained. And I take glee in informing him that I have a legal right to maintenance if he fails to provide for me. And while all these teasing is fun (for awhile), I think a relationship should exist outside of all the legal ramifications of marriage. That, we give because we want to and not because we have to. And so, better than being married, is to be committed (says naive me at the 1 week mark of marriage).

I shall end with one of my favourite moments in Maldives. We were lying on sunbeds at the beach and I had fallen asleep. When I woke up, ZM started placing white shells on the bed and said, "Watch".

If you look carefully, nothing is ever what it seems. So, watch.