we will meet at rainbow's end

      The most common questions I get are "How are you?" and "Are you ok?". I often say that I am fine, I am ok, I am better - even if I don't know if that is true. I can't say "No" to you, not because I don't want to be honest, but because I don't want you to feel that you have to make me feel better. I think Nigella Lawson puts it perfectly when she reportedly said, "I am not against pity, but I have no desire to be tragic" in the face of criticism that her book won an award because her husband was dying of cancer. 

      I'm very grateful to all the love and concern I received, and I don't want people to think that I don't like being asked if I'm ok or how I am (because it is nice to be asked every now and then) - but I think a truth is that when someone has lost something of great irretrievable value, that is a personal question she or he has to dive into and answer. Weighed in by the surrounding love and concern, there is an equally felt heavy prayer for the person to be "ok and happy" again - but those are perhaps separate concepts. 

    I have felt happiness, or some form of joy, even in times of great sorrow. Strange bedmates as they seem, they can exist together. But this question of "ok" may be a false question - because how can I ever be ok about losing someone I love more than life itself? There is no "ok" to this. 

   What is sought is perhaps balance. I tell D that I feel what I'm trying to do is to go through the bedrock of pain inside of me, layer by layer by layer. In a way, it is an adventure, as I willingly go towards the part that will hurt me, the parts that may always hurt, and find a way to look them in the eye. For a while, I thought I should hold onto this pain forever, because this pain linked me to her. But, now I see that that's a foolish pipe dream, because why should I hold onto her with pain? When she has shown me all the colours of the rainbow? 

    And so, I face pain in the only way I know how - which is to write. I can only hope that I can show you what she was and is, and you will be able to see that when all the pain is stripped away, she is the beauty that endures.