Yellow River Amnesia

      (i)

   I can only see you in my dreams. And then, only rarely. Or is it because our best adventures are not meant to be remembered? For perhaps such great feelings will kill all our abilities to lead a life of the every day - leave us feeling like all the light in the world is a pale shadow for what we have lived in inside. 

  When I meet you, I forget the world I live in. In the times I remember, you are smiling. I see you smile and the world is alright again. In one moment, I am holding a camera. You hold your smile. I take the picture. I don't get to see the shot. I open my eyes and I see my room again. I don't know if I am tearing because I am happy or sad. 

  

   (ii) 

  I imagine an Old Lady with the kindest of smiles welcoming passers-by to her small shop by the river for a cup of tea. The Greeks call her the Lady of Lethe, we Chinese call her Meng Po. But, those aren't likely to be her real name - because who can remember? 

   "You will feel happier after you drink this," She will say and place the liquid you most desire in your cupped hands. 

   (iii) 

    In one particularly beautiful moment, I see you and I get to hug you --- to hug you. Every part of my senses tells me that what I feel is real. And then I remember, I remember what I have been missing, what this hug means, and I open my eyes.

   I close it again. 

   But there is no return when you remember. 

  (iv)

    I will smile back at Old Lady Meng Po and thank her, but then I will tell her - I know the meaning of your name, so I cannot drink this. 

    Maybe she will look at me with the pity that still resides in her, "That is not wise, my child." 

   ... I know.

   And maybe she will give me paper and pen so I shall be able to leave my promise to those already passed and to those that will come after me. 

    If forgetfulness is a kind of happiness, forgive me for being sad. And, every time I open my eyes, it is a promise to die ten thousand more times, just to see you again.